


Underground

by lazylambert



Category: Saulbert
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 00:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13178247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazylambert/pseuds/lazylambert
Summary: The world thought he had it all.Money, fame, happiness.The first two were indeed true, yes. But was Adam Lambert really happy? He was- but only with the help of drugs and alcohol. Without it, he was but an empty shell.He was deprived of something every human needs to survive- love. And that's exactly what the giddy blonde boy from Finland wanted to give him.





	1. Chapter 1

I'm hooked, I can't cut you off  
In my blood, I'm gonna say it now  
I want you, I need you  
I want you to take me underground.

  I groan as the sun shines in my eyes, waking me from my deep sleep. I roll over and wince as pain shoots up my spine. My eyes slowly open as I take in the blurry surroundings, wondering where the hell I was. My vision focuses and I find myself laying on the hotel floor next to a bottle of vodka. An empty bottle of vodka. I shrug and get up, ignoring my sore aching body. This wasn't the first time I've passed out on the floor, and most likely won't be the last. I look over at the bed and scoff as I see an unfamiliar guy sleeping peacefully amongst the cluttered bed sheets. Hopefully I used a condom. I stumble to the bathroom to pee before looking at myself in the mirror. My hair was a mess, and my eyeliner from last night was smudged around my eyes. I don't remember what happened, but I was used to the feeling. I was used to forgetting. 

  I continue to stare at the atrocity in the mirror and feel a sinking feeling deep in my chest. My skin was paler than ever, and my ribs were far too prominent. Some perfect celebrity I was, huh? I sigh and splash water on my face before heading back into the room and approaching the unknown boy. I shake him roughly and he wakes up, looking around confusingly.  
"You can leave now," I say bluntly. He gives me a strange look before getting out of bed and putting his clothes on. He walks passed me and out the door, avoiding eye contact.  
"Asshole," he mutters as he slams it behind him.  
"Hey fuck you, twink!" I shout as I hold out my middle finger, only to be greeted by a silent and empty room. I sigh and plop myself on the couch, taking a look at the room service menu. I quickly order a sandwich and turn on the TV, lazily skimming through the channels. My eyes shift to the lines of cocaine sitting on the coffee table from last night and I smirk. I lean over and carefully roll up an $100 bill before gently snorting a line. I sit back, already feeling much better. I stare at the ceiling and let my mind wander before suddenly being interrupted by loud knocking on my door. I groan and pull myself off the couch, quickly hiding the rest of the cocaine. The knocking continues as I make my way to the door, tripping over alcohol bottles and piles of dirty clothes.  
"Jesus Christ, I'm coming!" I yell. I open the door to be greeted by my angry manager, who lets himself into my room.  
"Why haven't you picked up your damn phone? It's 2pm," He snaps. He looks around the room with a face of disgust.  
"This place is a mess. How did you do this in one day?" I roll my eyes and sit on the bed.  
"Jack, please. I'm not in the mood," I grumble. I pick up my phone on the bedside table and see 5 missed calls from Jack, along with 10 text messages. He scoffs.  
"You are unbelievable, Lambert. You're supposed to be at the venue sound checking right now, do you realize that? Or are you too fucking high?" Jack yells, his face turning red from anger.  
"I mean honestly, do you think we're paying for you to stay at a hotel in Finland just so you can party? You're on tour, Lambert. Which means you have concerts to perform." I roll my eyes and sigh, looking up at a very pissed off Jack.  
"It's the last show. Who cares if I'm late?" I protest.  
"You've been late almost every day of the tour," Jack says, rubbing his temples. I shrug and light a cigarette.  
"Fair enough."  
Jack slaps the cigarette out of my hand and stomps it into the carpet.  
"Just get ready and head to the goddamn venue, the car is waiting downstairs." Jack spins around and stomps out of the room, slamming the door behind him. I sit there stunned, wondering what the fuck has gotten into him. I light another cigarette and run my fingers through my hair. There was nothing I dreaded more than performing concerts, especially lately. I had to put on a fake persona in order to please the audience, and had to force myself to look like I was actually enjoying life. It was tiring. Life in general is tiring. I have no friends, and my family likes to pretend that I don't exist. Everyone left when I got into drugs, but why should I care? I have myself, and that's all that matters.

I quickly change my clothes and fix my hair and makeup before taking a couple shots of tequila, deciding that the cocaine didn't do enough justice. The burning liquid slithers down my throat and into my stomach, immediately filling me with warmth. I look at myself in the mirror one last time before heading out the door. 

***

"ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!" 

The crowd cheers my name loudly as I prepare to go on stage. I take a few deep breaths, feeling the affects of the cocaine mixed with alcohol. Would my fans notice? Probably not, I was good at acting sober. The time finally comes for me to go on stage, and the beginning of Evil In The Night starts playing. I emerge from the smoke created by the fog machines and wrap my hands around the microphone. The screams are deafening, and I squint as the bright stage lights shine in my eyes.

"My life flashed before my eyes.  
Razor blade lips and daggers up in your eyes.  
Baby, your love is a crime.  
Danger by day, but you're evil in the night." 

The fans sing along loudly. It was going to be a long night. 

The show was halfway over, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Sweat dripped down my forehead as I sang the last line of There I Said It, immediately being greeted by loud cheers and clapping.  
"How are we all doing tonight, Finland?!" I scream into the mic. The crowd roars in response, and I smile.  
"You guys are a beautiful audience!" I say, scanning through the sea of teenage girls. My eyes land on someone in the middle of the crowd who looked out of place. He looked my age, which was rare coming from my fans. He had messy blonde hair that fell loosely on his tan forehead, and a small nose ring. He was clapping, wearing a big grin on his face. He looked much calmer than everyone else, which made me attracted to him.  
"Especially you, good sir. You are a cutie," I say confidently. The crowd laughs, and the mystery man smiles as he shyly looks down at the ground, his face turning red. I quickly take my eyes off of him and introduce the next song, Another Lonely Night. The lights dim and I start singing, being thankful for all the slow songs that didn't require a lot of moving. 

"Another day, another lonely night.  
I would do anything to have you by my side." 

My eyes lock with the mystery boy as I sing these lyrics, and I smirk flirtatiously. He smiles back and runs his hands through his soft hair, and I can swear I saw a wink. Our eyes continue to meet throughout the whole song before it ends and the lights turn off, giving me a chance to go off stage and do my last outfit change. I walk passed a security guard and quickly tap him on the shoulder, hiding in the shadows so the fans wouldn't see me.  
"See that blonde guy in the middle of the crowd?" I ask, pointing him out. The guard nods his head confusingly.  
"Great. Could you find him after the show and invite him backstage? Tell him that Adam wants to see him." The guard nods again and I pat him on the back before rushing to the changing room. 

"Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight!" I say after finishing up the encore. My body was giving out, and my face hurt from all of the fake smiling. The cocaine and alcohol were leaving my system, making me feel shitty. I walk offstage as the crowd cheers, chanting my name again. The chanting gets quieter as I get further backstage and into the dressing room. I close the door and collapse on the beaten up couch, immediately grabbing a cigarette. Tour was finally over, and I was free to do whatever the fuck I wanted. I feel myself dozing off before someone knocks on my door.  
"Come in," I mumble, praying it wouldn't be Jack. The door creaks open and I'm greeted by a Finnish accent.  
"I was told you wanted to see me." I look up and see the mystery boy from the crowd, who I honestly forgot about. I quickly sit up and fix my hair.  
"Oh yeah, hey. Take a seat."  
The boy sits on the other end of the couch, and I offer him a cigarette.  
"No thanks, not a smoker," he exclaims. I scoff and raise my eyebrow.  
"Well then, Mr goody two shoes, what's your name?" I ask.  
"Sauli. Sauli Koskinen. And I already know your name," he giggles. I stare at him intently. I admire his piercing blue eyes and plump lips, and my heart rate picks up speed.  
"Hello, Sauli," I mumble, scooting closer to him. The room fills with awkward silence as Sauli looks around the room. I raise my eyebrows.  
"Well, are we doing this or not?" I ask impatiently. He gives me a confused look.  
"Doing what, exactly?" he asks cluelessly. I snort and put my hand on his thigh.  
"I think you know," I whisper as I slowly move my hand towards his crotch. He quickly pushes my hand away and stands up.  
"Oh, so that's why I was invited backstage?" He says somewhat annoyed, but also amused. I giggle and lean back, lighting another cigarette.  
"Of course, silly. I saw the way you were looking at me," I say flirtatiously. Sauli scoffs and rolls his eyes.  
"Maybe because I thought you were cute, asshole. Not everything is about sex," he says, crossing his arms.  
"Well, sex is usually what happens when a singer invites a fan backstage," I say sarcastically.  
"Who said I was a fan?"  
"Why else would you be at my show?"  
"I came with my friend. She's a fan of yours," he argues. I nod my head.  
"Sure."  
The room falls silent and I feel Sauli's eyes burning into me. I sigh and get up, walking to the door.  
"Well, I guess there's no real reason why you should be here then. Have a good night, Sauli," I say as I motion him out the door. Sauli laughs and crosses his legs, refusing to get up.  
"Oh, so that's it, then? You're getting rid of me already?" he asks humorously. I look at him unamused, my hand still pointed towards the door.  
"Can I at least take you on a date?"  
I laugh loudly as Sauli raises his eyebrow at me.  
"Very funny. Listen, you look like a nice guy, which is something I'm not. I'm not the guy you saw on stage, I'm actually pretty fucked up. Go waste your time on someone better," I ramble. Why wouldn't this guy just leave?  
"Drugs and alcohol, right?" Sauli asks, still sitting down. I sigh and sit back on the couch, giving up.  
"That's me," I admit with shame. Sauli gets up and moves to sit next to me.  
"I can tell because I used to be like you." He pauses.  
"I knew the moment you stepped on stage. The dilated pupils, the way you were acting. Cocaine, right?"  
I stare at him shockingly. He used to be an addict?  
"Y-yeah," I stutter. Sauli sighs and the room falls silent again.  
"Drugs don't make you a shitty person, Adam. Take it from me." I look over at him and I'm greeted with a smile. Hearing someone say that made me feel confused, but in a good way. Nobody has ever been this nice to me, not since I started using. I feel a lump in my throat and immediately snap out of it, breaking eye contact with Sauli. 

"I have to head to my hotel, do you want me to call you a cab or do you have a car?" I say quickly as I stand up. Sauli sighs and stands up too, putting his hands in his pockets.  
"I'm still taking you on a date, Lambert," he says.  
"Sauli, I'm going back to LA tomorrow," I protest.  
"Do you have to go back home tomorrow? Why not stay in Finland for a little bit? I can show you around."  
"Why in the world would you do that?"  
"Because I want to."  
"That's not a valid argument."  
Sauli giggles and takes out his phone.  
"Just stop being difficult and give me your phone number." 

***

I make it to my hotel room and go straight for the tequila. I take a swig straight from the bottle and collapse on the bed, every bone in my body aching. My body was itching for some cocaine, but I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. I lay in silence as my mind fills with thoughts. I think about that weirdly happy Finnish boy who so badly wants to get to know me. I didn't understand why anyone would want to talk to me, let alone take me on a date. I can't even remember the last time I went on a date, for Christ's sake. Nobody could ever love me, I'm just a quick fuck. 

My thoughts are interrupted when my phone vibrates and lights up. It was a text from a random number.

"Tomorrow, 6pm. Meet me at this address (-:  
-Sauli" 

I read the address and sigh, throwing my phone on the floor. I roll over and curl up in the blankets, the room spinning from the tequila. My eyes close and I slowly fall into a deep sleep, my dreams being filled with a certain blonde haired Finnish boy with a goofy smile.


	2. Chapter 2

  I've been staring at myself in the mirror for far too long. 

  I tried my best to make myself look presentable, but still wasn't satisfied. My clothes hung loosely on my body- clothes that fit me perfectly a few months ago. My hair was sticking up in all sorts of directions, despite my efforts to tame it. My face was pale and hollow, with dark bags under my eyes. I looked lifeless. 

  I was supposed to meet Sauli at the mystery address soon, and was dreading it completely. He seems like a nice guy, but I'm not looking for someone to swoop in and save me. I don't know what his motive is, or why he's so interested in me, but I didn't like it. Why didn't I just tell him no? Or to go fuck himself? That's my usual response to most people, after all. Maybe it was the way he looked at me, like I was actually someone important. Like I was someone who deserved respect. I shouldn't get used to it though, he'll be gone as soon as he sees the real me. 

  I take one last look at myself and sigh, realizing there's no fixing my appearance and heading out of the bathroom. I decided to wear black skinny jeans and a black v-neck, topped with a leather jacket. (I wasn't going for a very colorful look today.) I sit down to put on my shoes and glance over at the bag of coke on the table as I'm tying my laces. Smirking, I stand up and walk over to it, picking up the bag and examining it. With what I was about to go through with Sauli, a little bump wouldn't hurt. He probably won't notice anyway.

  My vision fogs as I make my way to the Uber waiting outside of the hotel. I felt like complete shit from the coke, and missed the days when it made me feel like I was on top of the world. I guess that's what happens when you use it regularly like I do; your body gets used to it, and the high doesn't feel so good anymore. I get in the car and give the driver the address before sitting back and gazing out the window. I watched people walking down the street and driving in their cars. Everyone looked so...normal. I wondered how their lives were doing, and how happy they were. Were they depressed pieces of shit who rely on drugs and alcohol to survive like me? That definitely wasn't likely. I remember the times when my life was normal, when I was happy. I haven't always been this way. In fact, I used to be a whole other person. Used to be. 

  My thoughts are interrupted as the car comes to a stop. I thank the driver and get out, taking in my surroundings. I see the glimmer of the ocean in the distance and realize I'm at a small beach. My eyes wander until I spot Sauli leaning against a railing, lazily scrolling through his phone. He was wearing skinny ripped jeans and a pastel yellow sweatshirt, his hair messily slicked back. Behind him was a quaint restaurant called Bistro Badenbaden. He looks up as I walk towards him and he smiles, quickly putting his phone in his pocket.  
"Wow, I didn't think you'd actually show up," he says jokingly. I roll my eyes and look up at the restaurant.  
"I'm guessing we're gonna eat here?" I question.  
"Yep, this is one of my favorite restaurants. Thought I'd take you along," he replies happily. He holds the door open for me and we walk in, quickly being seated by a window overlooking the beach. 

We sit in awkward silence as we skim through the menu, not knowing what to talk about. Sauli orders a veggie burger and I just order a water, even though I hadn't eaten yet today.  
"Not hungry?" Sauli asks concerned.  
"Eh," I say. I take out my phone and aimlessly scroll through social media, zoning out the world around me. Sauli clears his throat and I can feel his eyes watching my leg repeatedly bounce up and down anxiously.  
"How much?" he asks. I look up confusingly and see Sauli looking at me with a straight face.  
"...How much what?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.  
"How much cocaine is in your system?" He asks bluntly. My heart rate picks up and I put down my phone.  
"I don't know what you're talking about," I mumble. Sauli sighs and shakes his head, not looking very convinced. I knew there was no use in lying to him.  
"It was only a little bit, alright? It's nothing compared to how much is usually in my system. So hop off my dick," I say rudely.  
"I'm not mad, Adam. I was kind of expecting it anyway," he says quietly. I roll my eyes.  
"You met me yesterday. Stop acting like you know me," I argue. The waitress comes before Sauli can say anything and hands us our order. I sip on my water as I look out of the window and Sauli quietly picks at his food.  
"I know I don't know you, and that's why we're here. That's the point of a date," he mumbles under his breath. I look at him and sigh, feeling guilty for snapping at him. I look back out at the beach and see that the sun was beginning to set. People were starting to go home, leaving the beach almost empty.  
"Do you wanna go hang out by the water after this?" I ask, trying my best to sound kindhearted. I wanted nothing more than to go back to the hotel and sleep, but it couldn't hurt to give Sauli his date he wanted so bad. He smiles and nods, throwing a french fry into his mouth.

***

"So tell me about yourself, Lambert," Sauli says as we walk along the ocean, carrying our shoes in our hands. We were one of the only people at the beach, and the sunset reflected off of the water beautifully. It was like a scene in a movie.  
"There isn't much to know about me. I'm just a random guy who got lucky on American Idol," I say. Sauli giggles and kicks the sand underneath him.  
"There's got to be more to it than that. Where did you grow up?" He asks.  
"You know you can find all of this information on Google, right? Literally just search my name and you'll find out things about me that I don't even know," I joke.  
"Well, let's pretend you aren't some huge celebrity for a minute," he giggles.  
"So you're saying you don't know anything about me? You were at my concert."  
"Like I said, my friend dragged me there. I honestly hadn't really heard of you before then."  
"Harsh."  
"Adam, I'm serious."  
"Fine. I was born in Indiana but I grew up in San diego. I was a theatre kid, and decided I would later move to LA to pursue my career. That obviously didn't work out, but then I entered American Idol. And we all know what happens after that. That's really all there is to it," I say. I look over at Sauli, who's looking right back at me with a look of curiosity.  
"What about you?" I ask.  
"I grew up in Hyvinkää, later moved to Helsinki. I was living a pretty normal life until I entered and won Big Brother. Since then I've been a television host and entertainment reporter. Right now I'm a personal trainer. Not very exciting," He finishes.  
"Sounds exciting to me," I add. Sauli smiles and stops walking, taking a seat in the sand. I join him and we sit in silence, our toes barely being touched by the water as we watch the sunset. Sauli slowly scoots closer to me, our arms touching. Warmth radiates off of his skin and fills me with an unfamiliar tingly feeling that I can only describe as happiness. I sigh and look off into the distance.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask genuinely. Sauli looks at me contently.  
"Doing what, taking you on a date? That would be because you're cute as hell," he giggles.  
"No, it's more than that. You're won't leave me alone about my drug addiction, and it kind of feels like you're my therapist instead of my date," I say, trying to sound curious instead of mean. Sauli bites his lip as he thinks.  
"I see myself in you, I guess. My past self," he exclaims. I silently scoff as he keeps talking.  
"I went through the same thing you're going through, Adam. I know how helpless you're feeling. I know how alone you are. I know because I was in that position too," he says.  
"So you want to help me so you can feel better about yourself?" I ask sharply. Sauli furrows his eyebrows and looks down at the sand.  
"No. That's not what I said," he mumbles.  
"Well that's exactly what it sounds like. Look, I get that you want to be some superhero or something, but I'm not your guy. I can handle myself, alright? I don't need rescuing, especially from some stranger," I say, feeling myself getting angrier. Sauli stands up and crosses his arms.  
"Will you stop being an asshole? I'm not trying to save you. I see the real you deep under that ego you're trying to put on. I see someone with a heart. I want to get to know that part of you," he exclaims. I stand up too, feeling my anger boiling up.  
"How about you stop trying to 'figure me out' and find someone else to evaluate? You don't know shit about the real me, and you don't have the automatic right to find out," I argue. I begin to walk away before Sauli grabs my arm.  
"Adam-"  
"Don't touch me," I interrupt sharply, Sauli's eyes growing wide. He lets go and I storm off, reaching the road and finding the nearest taxi. Tears well in my eyes as I give the driver the address to my hotel. I quickly wipe them away and lean my head against the window, trying my best to clear my mind. Why is this random guy that I saw in the audience so interested in my life? Why did he care so much? I understand that he was in my position, but we don't even know each other. Does this guy not have boundaries? And why is he taking such a toll on me? 

  I open the door to my hotel room and slam it behind me. I take off my shoes and throw them across the room before sitting on the couch. I didn't want to think about that stupid blonde boy with the Finnish accent anymore tonight. Without hesitation, I prepare 2 lines of coke and snort them quickly. Deciding that wasn't enough, I grab the bottle of vodka and take a few swigs. Waiting for the effects to kick in, I take my phone out of my pocket. I quickly buy a plane ticket to LA tomorrow afternoon, considering I no longer had a reason to stay in Finland. The room begins to spin and I sigh in relief. Much better. I try to make my way to the bed before tripping and collapsing on the floor, too dizzy to get back up. 

*** 

  I grunt as I drag my luggage through the front door of my house, which I haven't seen in months. I'm immediately greeted by my dog Pharaoh, who was being taken care of by my house maid. I bend down and pet him as he licks me excitedly.  
"Hey, bud. I missed you." 

    It was a few hours later, and me and Pharaoh were cuddled on the couch watching a movie. I had a bottle of tequila in my hand, and occasionally took a swig. Sauli was still in the back of my mind, no matter how hard I tried to forget. He was still there, even when the cocaine and alcohol flooded my system. I couldn't stop thinking about the look in his eyes when I snapped at him. I really was a monster, and obviously deserved to be alone like this. I pick up my phone and scroll through Instagram before looking up Sauli's name in the search bar. His profile pops up instantly and I click on it, knowing I was making a bad choice. His profile was fairly normal, filled with pictures of his friends and the many adventures he goes on, along with some of his exercise routines. I get fairly deep in his timeline before a certain post catches my attention. It was a collection of photos of Sauli and a girl who looked almost identical to him. They looked really happy, and there was even a picture of them together as children. Curious, I read the caption. 

"Today marks 3 years since I lost my other half and my best friend, who also happened to be my twin sister. Words can't describe how much I miss you, Saana. Rest in peace."

  My heart sinks. I felt more selfish than ever. Sauli has gone through so much, more than I've ever been through. How could I be so uncaring? Someone finally wants to be in my presence and I push them away. Typical Adam. I take an extra big swig of tequila, wincing as the liquid burns my throat. It was probably better for Sauli to never hear from me again, he didn't deserve to be around a dick like me. I quickly delete his number off of my phone and try to forget about him. I only met him 3 days ago, so it shouldn't be hard. 

Right?


	3. Chapter 3

3 weeks.

It's been 3 weeks since I came home from tour, and 3 weeks since I last talked to Sauli. I wish I could say I forgot about him, but that would be lying. Sure, I've gotten over him partially, but I still find myself checking his Instagram often to see what he's up to. (He's doing great, by the way.) I still find myself thinking about his smile when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, and the way his arm felt pressed against mine- warm and welcoming. He's like a disease that I can't get rid of... but do I want to? He’s probably forgotten about me by now, so why can’t I do the same?

I sigh as I walk down the isles of the art supplies store, brushing my fingers along the vast selection of paints. I was in dire need of new brushes, as my old ones were in horrible condition. I throw a few into my cart after careful selection, deciding to get a few new paints as well before heading to check out. I start putting my items on the counter and the cashier starts scanning.  
"How are you today?"  
I look up to be greeted by a guy with piercing blue eyes. He had dirty blonde hair which messily fell on his forehead, and reasonably sized gauges. I gulp and look away.  
"Um, I'm good. You?" I ask. He continues to scan my items nonchalantly.  
"As good as one person can get working at an art supply store for 10 hours a day," he says bluntly. I laugh and scratch the back of my neck nervously as he begins to put my things in a bag. I sneak another look at him as his back is turned and feel my heart beat accelerate. He looked like him. 

He gives me my total and I fumble for my wallet, stalling the time so I could think of something to say. I swipe my card and he hands me my receipt shortly after, along with my bags.  
"Have a nice day," he says with a smile.  
"Y-you too," I stutter, slowly walking to the exit. I get to the door before stopping in my tracks and sighing. Fuck it. There was nobody in his line, so why not? I spin back around and walk to his register, clearing my throat to get his attention. He looks up from his phone and raises an eyebrow.  
"Forget something?"  
"Yeah, your number," I say confidently. His eyes grow wide as he looks at me, and it feels like ages before he answers.  
"Um, I actually have a girlfriend. And I don't really swing that way. I'm sorry," he says politely. I feel my cheeks go red as I look down at my feet.  
"Oh yeah no, that's perfectly fine. Have a good day," I say before quickly walking out of the store, accidentally slamming the door behind me. I immediately pull out a cigarette as I make my way back to my house, which was 5 minutes up the street. I feel anger building inside of me as I pull my hoodie up over my head, trying to make myself invisible to the world.  
"This is why you keep your mouth shut, dumbass," I mumble to myself.

I go upstairs to my room, grabbing a bottle of rum from the kitchen on the way. I give Pharaoh, who's curled up in my bed, a pat on the head before sitting down at my easel placed next to the window. I take a swig of rum as I get out my new brushes, running my fingers along the soft, unused bristles. I prepare my paints and sigh before looking at the blank canvas in front of me. As much as I hated to admit it, painting was a hobby of mine. I've never told anyone of this hobby out of embarrassment, but painting gave me a certain kind of calmness that I can't get from anything else- even drugs. I was nowhere near good, but I didn't care. Nobody would ever see these.

I close my eyes and lean back in my chair, thinking of what I wanted to paint. I take another drink, hoping the alcohol would give me some creativity. I sit in silence for awhile before an idea pops in my head.

I wanted to paint how I felt.

  I pick up my brush and take a deep breath before making the first stroke. The world around me quickly disappears as I get lost in the moment, reflecting my deep and personal feelings onto the canvas. It was like I wasn't in control of my own body- my hand making the strokes without even thinking about it. My tongue sticks out in concentration as the hours go by, the sun eventually setting.  I take a look around me as I realize how long I've been sitting here. The bottle of rum was half empty, and I drunkenly decide that my painting was finished. I scoot back in my chair and take a look at it, not really knowing what I just created. 

  The only colors were different shades of black, something common within my art. It appeared to be a dark forest, filled with tall trees and thick swirls of mist. It was hauntingly empty, and sent chills up my spine. In the middle of all of it was a man, who was kneeling on the forest floor. He had his head in his hands and appeared to be crying, surrounded by nothing but emptiness and darkness. It was as if he was trying to escape the forest, but couldn't find a way out. He was lost. 

  A tear streams down my face as I realize that the man is me. This painting was a perfect description of how I felt on the inside every hour of every day. I was lost in a dark forest, screaming out for help and being greeted with nothing but haunting silence. I was completely alone, and every day the forest grows bigger. The darkness gets darker, and the mist gets thicker. I was nothing but pure, pure depression. 

  I wipe the tears from my face and stand up, grabbing the painting and heading downstairs. I try my best to keep my balance, drunkenly tripping over myself as I enter the living room. I approach the fireplace and turn it on, staring at the roaring flames. Part of my mind tells me to jump in and let myself burn alive. Too bad I wouldn't fit.

   I take one more look at my painting before throwing it into the fire. It's immediately engulfed in flames, and I watch it burn until it turns into nothing but ash. I curl up next to the fire as more tears escape my eyes. This time, I let them flow. I begin sobbing for the first time in a long time, letting my emotions take over. I clutch my chest as I let out cries of pain and anger. I was basically screaming, my throat quickly becoming sore. Why me? Why was I cursed with a broken brain? Why can't I just be happy and sober? 

  My cries are interrupted as my phone goes off in my pocket, a notification popping up on my screen. Sniffling, I take it out and read a text from a familiar number. 

"Did you sit in a pile of sugar?" 

I look at my screen confusingly and write a response.

"Excuse me?"

"Because you've got a pretty sweet ass." 

I raise my eyebrow, slightly amused but mostly confused. I wipe my tears and try to think of a response before another text comes through. 

"Sorry that was probably really weird. It's Sauli :-)" 

My heart starts racing. I knew I recognized the number. I quickly get off the floor and sit on the couch, biting my nails nervously. Why would he want to talk to me? I write out my response and hit send.

"You couldn't just say hi like a normal person?" 

"Normal isn't my style." 

"I know. Not to sound rude.. but why are you texting me?" I bite my lip as I desperately wait for a response. Sauli reads it and begins to type. He types for what feels like 10 minutes. Was he writing a fucking novel? I wait impatiently until he finally sends a small 4 word message. 

"Can you call me?"

Great, I was wasted and just finished crying. Will he notice? What is he gonna say? Will it be awkward? I find myself pacing and try to calm down. I click on his number and hit call, putting the phone to my ear. He answers after the first ring. 

"Hey, Lambert."

His voice makes my heart skip a beat. 

"Hey, Sauli," I say, trying my best to sound sober. There was a pause of silence, as if he was trying to think of what to say.

"How have things been?"

"Great. Now can you please tell me what this is about before I have a nervous breakdown?" I respond. I can hear Sauli giggle.

"Alright, alright. I just wanted to talk about what happened at the beach. We left things on a bad note, and it's been bothering me ever since," he says. I scoff. 

"You've been looking pretty happy to me." 

"How would you know?"

"...I don't know." 

"..Right. Anyway, I’m basically doing this on a whim here. I just wanted to apologize,” he says softly. 

"For what? I was the asshole."

"No, you had a point. It's disrespectful of me to be nosy about your personal problems. It wasn't fair to you, and I was totally in the wrong. I really am sorry," he finishes. 

"Well, I'm sorry for being so rude. I know you had good intentions," I say sincerely. It's been years since I ever apologized to anyone, and I honestly took myself by surprise. 

"Yeah, you were a dick. But you’re forgiven," he says. I can almost hear him smiling through the phone, and I can feel one forming on my face too. A genuine smile. That was new. There was a pause of silence, but it wasn't awkward- it was almost comforting. 

"I still want to get to know you, Adam. I don't care about the drugs or whatever. I just like you, plain and simple. I don’t care if you’re hard to get through too, I’m prepared to do whatever it takes for you to let me like you,” he says. My smile grows bigger, but soon diminishes when I come to a realization. 

"We live on different continents," I say disappointingly. 

"That's true. But I'm gonna be in LA all next month for a work thing, so why not hang out then? I mean, if you want to," he asks. My smile comes back. 

"Sure thing." 

"Yay!" he says excitedly. I giggle and shake my head.

"Are you 5?" 

"Might as well be. Hey, I gotta go. I’m on my morning jog. Can I text you tomorrow?" he asks. 

"Sure, can't guarantee I'll respond though. You know, with my busy schedule and all." I say. Sauli scoffs.

"Oh, hush. Have a good night, Lambert."

"You too, Sauli. Even though it's like 8am where you are." I can hear Sauli giggle before hanging up. I sigh and lay myself on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Well, that was unexpected. Why was I so happy over this? I felt like a missing piece of me was just found. There may be many other pieces missing, but this particular piece was special. I have no idea what’s going to happen when Sauli gets here, and it was both exciting and terrifying.

Exhausted and still slightly drunk, I make my way back to my bedroom. Pharaoh was still curled up in my bed, sleeping away.  
“Do you ever move?” I joke as I get in the covers and snuggle up next to him. I attempt to fall asleep, but fail as my mind continues to wander. I sigh and sit up, thinking of ways to fall asleep. I spot the easel across the room and walk over to it, putting another blank canvas in place. Why not paint what I was feeling again?

I dip into the red paint and mix it with a little bit of white, turning it into a soft pink. I make a few short strokes before finishing quickly, looking at my newly painted emotions and smiling. It was extremely plain and simple, but described my current feelings perfectly. 

It was a heart.


	4. Chapter 4

Today was the day. 

I take a drag from my cigarette as I fix a sandwich, throwing small pieces of meat on the kitchen floor for Pharaoh who was begging below me. Music blares over the surround sound speakers and I sway to the beat of Troye Sivan's new single, which was slowly becoming my favorite song.

"Oh my, my, my  
I die every night with you.  
Oh my, my, my  
Living for your every move."

  My phone buzzes on the counter next to me and I turn down the music, smiling when I see who texted me. It was Sauli, telling me he'd be here in an hour. He's been in LA for a few days and was staying at a hotel not far from my house. He would've visited sooner, but was too busy with work.

  Ever since the night he called me, we've been texting non stop- mostly just random banter and small talk. Even though they were just a bunch of stupid texts, it somehow made me happier. It felt nice to have someone to talk to throughout the day, which is something I haven't had in a long time. I never talk to anyone unless I have to these days, but Sauli was an exception. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an entirely new and happy person because of him. I still rely on drugs and alcohol heavily, as it's not something I can just snap out of. I still have an aching depression embedded deep inside me, always looming in my mind. Talking to Sauli hasn't cured me, but he makes it all just a little bit easier. 

***

I sit on the couch anxiously, my leg bouncing in anticipation. I had just downed a couple shots of vodka to calm my nerves, but it didn't seem to be helping much. It was 5pm, and Sauli was supposed to be here an hour ago. I was starting to think he stood me up. He wouldn't do that, would he?

What are we even going to do when he gets here? We don't have anything planned, we never discussed it. What if it's awkward? We haven't seen each other in awhile, what if we don't have the same connection? I bite my nails as I stare at the wall, jumping when 3 loud knocks are heard from the front door. I sigh in relief and pull myself off the couch, straightening my shirt as I walk to the door. I open it to be greeted by familiar blue eyes. Sauli had a big grin on his face, with a bouquet of red roses in his hand.

"Hello, Lambert." 

I scoff and roll my eyes, pretending to be annoyed.  
"You can't get any cheesier than that." 

"I know, right? And sorry for being a little late, I got caught up in work," Sauli says as he walks past me and into the living room, taking in the surroundings. I shrug and close the door behind him.  
"Damn, this place is huge," he says in awe. I stare at the back of his head and can't help but feel a rush of happiness from seeing him in real life. Without thinking, I march over to Sauli and pull him into a hug. 

"Oh, hello," he says with surprise. After he notices what's going on, he hugs back. He wraps his arms around my waist, one hand still holding the flowers. I breathe him in as I hug him tight, realizing this was our first time doing anything remotely intimate. All we've done is touch hands, so this was a totally new feeling. It was also my first time hugging anyone in years, and I stop myself from getting emotional. We hug for a few seconds before I quickly pull away, clearing my throat in embarrassment.  
"I'm just glad to see you," I say with a nervous giggle. Sauli looks up at me with a small grin, opening his mouth to say something.  
"I should probably put these in a vase," I interrupt. Sauli raises his eyebrows as I take the roses out of his hand and walk to the kitchen, mentally kicking myself for making things awkward. I enter the kitchen and notice multiple bottles of alcohol and a bong scattered on the counters. I quickly pick them up and hide them, not wanting Sauli to see. After putting the roses in a vase, I walk back into the living room to see Sauli sitting on the couch. He was uncontrollably giggling as he was being attacked with kisses from Pharaoh, who's tail was wagging at full speed.  
"Oh. My. God. Who is this beautiful creature?" he asks as he strokes the overly excited dog. I smile and shake my head, placing the roses on the coffee table before sitting on the other end of the couch. 

"That would be Pharaoh. And he seems to already love you more than me," I joke. Pharaoh eventually calms down and curls up on Sauli's lap, taking me by surprise.  
"Really? That's all it took for you to cheat on me?" I ask Pharaoh. Sauli laughs and takes his phone out, snapping a picture of the sleeping dog before posting it to his Instagram.  
"I already love him. He's mine now," Sauli jokes. I scoff and prop my feet on the table, the room falling silent. I was still anxious and started to think about how much I want a cigarette, or maybe another shot of vodka. I felt too... sober. I feel Sauli's curious eyes looking at me, probably wondering why it was so quiet. 

"Well?" He speaks up. "Aren't you gonna give me a tour?"

***  
"This is a guest bedroom here, and there's a bathroom across the hall. Not that exciting," I say as I give Sauli a tour of the upstairs. He seemed to be really intrigued in my house, taking in every detail.  
"What's this room here?" He asks, pointing to the door at the end of the hall. He reaches to open it before I quickly stand in front of him.  
"Oh, that's just my bedroom. It's kind of a mess at the moment," I say. It was partially true, considering my room was filled with paintings I've created over the months. It looked like an art studio, and I didn't want Sauli to see my secret hobby just yet. He brushes it off and we head back downstairs, Pharaoh following us everywhere we go.

  "So, what shall we do?" asks Sauli as he jumps off the last step. I think for a moment as he sits on the floor and plays with Pharaoh. It was pretty late in the day, our time being limited due to Sauli showing up late. The sun was getting ready to set over the city horizon, and in LA, there's one thing people do when nighttime hits. I smile and look down at Sauli, who's now laying on the ground laughing as he gets showered in dog kisses. 

"Wanna go clubbing?"

***

  Our Uber pulls up to my favorite club in LA, Playhouse. I open the door to get out before Sauli grabs my arm softly. I stop in my tracks and look at him confusingly. 

"Are you gonna be okay? I mean is this really the best atmosphere for your addicti-"

"Sauli, stop. It's fine." I interrupt. He hesitates before sighing in defeat, nodding and letting go of my arm. We walk up the steps to the club and I hold the door for Sauli, following him in. We're immediately greeted by loud pulsing music and the chatter of hundreds of people. I smile as I look around, soaking in the carefree atmosphere. This was my kind of place. I look over at Sauli, who's also smiling. We head over to the bar, staying close together as people bump into us from all directions. We get the attention of the bartender and shout our order over the noise.

"Jack and coke, please," I yell.  
And I'll take a strawberry daiquiri," Sauli adds. I snort and hold in giggles as Sauli shoots me a look.

"What's so funny?" he asks defensively.  
"Nothing! That's just a very...feminine choice," I say with a cheeky grin. He slaps my arm, making me erupt into more laughter. 

"Well I'm sorry I don't like to drink poison, and stop giving drinks genders!" he exclaims, trying his best to sound annoyed. 

"Alright, alright. Just don't mess up your lipstick when you drink it," I joke, earning another slap. 

***

  3-4 drinks later and we were on the edge of the dance floor. I was feeling fine, maybe a little drunk, but Sauli was a lightweight. He was jumping to the music, losing his balance every so often. I slowly sway to the beat as I watch him, amused by his crazy dance moves. He sees me watching him and smiles, taking my hand and pulling me further onto the floor.

  "C'mon, let loose and dance!" he says. I hesitate as he drags me with him.  
"Oh, um, I'm not a dancer," I say. He rolls his eyes.  
"Does it look like I care? Everyone's drunk, just let it all go!" I look around anxiously before slowly trying to dance to the beat, my body stiff. The music flows through me, and I feel myself slowly getting more comfortable. I start to move my body to the music, letting everything go. Sauli yells in excitement and dances with me, both of us laughing at each other. 

"Who taught you those moves, grandpa?" Sauli jokes. I give him the finger and continue dancing, not caring how stupid I looked. 

 

  The night goes on as we lose track of time. We take breaks from dancing to get more drinks every so often, alcohol slowly taking over our bodies. Sauli was expectedly more worse off than me, but I didn't care- it was amusing. We return to the dance floor when one of Sauli's favorite songs comes on, and we try our hardest to keep our balance. Our dancing become less crazy, because we would both be on the floor with one wrong move. 

  The song ends and changes to a slower one, and I close my eyes as I sway to the beat. It was nice having a slower song play after hours of consecutive dubstep. I'm caught by surprise a couple minutes later as I feel someone's body against mine. I open my eyes and see Sauli getting closer and closer, pressing his back up against me. He starts to slowly grind to the music, a drink in his hand. Not sure what to do, I stand there and let him do it. What was happening? He soon starts to rub his ass against my crotch, and I feel my face get hot. I can smell his cologne, and the warmth of his body gives me chills. 

"Fuck it," I mumble. I place my hands on Sauli's waist, swiftly pulling him closer to me. I can feel him smiling, knowing what he's doing to me. My breaths become heavy as we move our bodies against each other, forgetting about everyone else in the room. I reach my head down in the crook of his neck, leaving small breathy kisses before playfully nibbling his ear. I can feel a few eyes on us, but don't care. We continue to grind on each other, slowly getting more heated. I feel myself getting hard, and Sauli knows it too. He takes himself off of me and I reach out for him, whimpering. He gives me a devilish smile and winks, looking down at my bulge and then back up at me.  
"That's all the action you're gonna get tonight, Lambert," he slurs flirtatiously before walking to the bar for another drink, leaving me speechless.

***  
  We drunkenly stumble into my house, Sauli's arm around me for support. It was 4am, and we successfully partied all night. Knowing I couldn't get him up the stairs, I lead him to the couch and help him lay down. He mumbles incoherent words as I take off his shoes and put a blanket over him. 

"You're so nice, Adam!" he slurs as I put a pillow under his head. I giggle and shake my head, making sure he was comfortable and propped up incase he throws up.  
"I never thought I'd be the one taking care of YOUR drunk ass," I say. I look down and Sauli is already asleep, small snores escaping his mouth. His hair was messily fallen across his forehead, and I sigh as I softly push it back with my hand. I smile as I take in his features, counting the faint freckles strewn across his face. My eyes wander to his peachy soft lips, and then up to his long, curly eyelashes. He was beautiful. I catch myself staring and rip my eyes away, sighing and heading to my room. 

  I collapse on my bed, realizing how drunk I actually was. I was too focused on getting Sauli home safe to worry about myself. I lay on top of the covers as I think about tonight's events, and how it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I think about Sauli's cheesy smile as he danced around the club, totally carefree about everything- I aspired to be like him. I think about the way his body felt against mine, and if it actually meant anything to him. It was most likely the alcohol doing it, and I shouldn't overthink it too much, no matter how much it makes my heart flutter. He won't even remember it tomorrow. 

***

  I yawn as I stumble down the stairs, my head throbbing. I go into the kitchen to find Sauli desperately looking through my cabinets.  
"Well, good morning," I say curiously. Sauli spins around, pinching his temple in pain.  
"Oh thank God, you're awake. Please tell me you have pain killers," he says. I usually solved my hangovers with a line of coke, but that obviously wouldn't be happening this morning.

"They're in the bathroom down the hall, get me some too while you're at it," I say. Sauli follows my instructions and walks down the hallway, groaning the entire way there. I giggle before pulling some eggs out of the fridge, deciding to make breakfast. 

  Sauli and I sit in silence as we eat eggs, bacon, and toast. I catch small glimpses of him and wonder if he remembers anything from last night, because it was still a fresh memory in my head.  
"God, I feel so shitty. I'm never drinking again," he says as he shovels bacon in his mouth. I look down at my mimosa and then back up at Sauli, who was eying me as he drank his milk.  
"Looks like I'm already back to it," I joke. Sauli giggles and rolls his eyes. The room falls silent again as we inhale our breakfast. I clear my throat and get up, taking my dishes to the sink.  
"So I was thinking," I say as I load the dishwasher. Sauli looks at me curiously.  
"Yes?"  
"Well, I thought maybe you could stay at my place while you're in LA. It's probably better than a dingy hotel," I suggest. No response. 

"I-I mean, if you want to. I know all your stuff is at the hotel and you probably want privacy so I understand if y-"  
"Adam?"  
"Yes?"  
"Shut up. Of course I want to stay, I was going to invite myself anyway," he says. I look at him and smile, and he smiles back. 

"Splendid."


End file.
